Examine by touch crossword clue

My (f29) husband (m35) and I got together quickly in beginning of 2020 before covid and got married July 2020 after covid hit us. We were good friends and had an open relationship for awhile just as friends before committing to other people. We eventually left those people for each other and got together quickly.
It’s been a really rough 3 years since then due to everything covid caused. We have a semi-open relationship, just online stuff. However… it seems all intimacy between us has been lost. There is no romantic sex between us. It’s only playing online with others or talking about playing online with others.
I don’t know how to ask for one on one intimacy as he isn’t the most emotionally adept person. I feel like the obvious answer is to communicate but how do you do that with someone who doesn’t understand how to communicate this fragile of a topic? He’s very sensitive to confrontation and we’ve both been on the brink of a meltdown for three years with all of the financial pressure and non-stop struggling since getting together.
I feel like our marriage was doomed by covid and we were robbed of our honeymoon phase. There’s too much pressure on each other to make each other happy because everything else in life is going wrong.
He’s not down for couple therapy either. I don’t want to lose him but I feel empty and disconnected. My love language is physical touch but all 5 of them really. His is acts of service and words of affirmation.
I’m sorry if this isn’t coherent or there’s any mistakes. I’m at work and just distracted by it all.

This is a letter I wanted to send myself around half a year ago but didn't maybe because of what a bad place I was in (and still am), maybe I just needed to get some of the things out of my system. Today I found it and it reignited some things in me, and I wrote some more words about what is currently happening to me. I changed the names and some other things to remain anonymous. It's long and all over the place and I don't expect anyone to read it all honestly.
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal ideation, Suicide, Depression, Recklessness, Rejection
As before, I wonder what's going on in your life right now, because, honestly, I don't even feel like writing this letter at this point. Things are really bad, and today I have a good enough day to write something up but I don't feel well at all, and it doesn't seem like things will get better, if ever. Part of me knows that things always change and there's a chance that they will change for the better, but from my experience it doesn't usually work out, I seem to be switching from one issue to another, be it writing a thesis, finding a job, or my current state. I really can't seem to catch a break and for once be at least somewhat happy and satisfied with where I'm at in life.
I'm gonna tell a little bit about my situation and refer to some of the things you said in your email. Most of it will be about my "relationship" with Amy, and how much it affected me mentally.
I moved in with Amy and things are bad in ways I can't even describe. First thing is that over the beginning of the last year I fell in love with her and really, badly wanted to matter anything to her and be important to her, and for her to show that somehow for me. We went together on a trip to mountains and generally spend more time together than ever before. I really felt the chemistry between us, i thought we got a long really well. We talked at the fireplace party and she said she's too fucked up to date me, and that she would never do this to me. Since I moved in with her as a flatmate there were some things that bugged me about the way she is, like careless about a lot of things (mainly her safety and well being), horribly under eating in the name of some fucked up "diet", not listening to my guidance about most things, like not taking breaks at the gym, and other minor things that really bugged me and kinda felt conflicting because she doesn't seems childish, in fact quite the opposite, but some of those behaviours certainly felt like that at the time. But generally things were good, at least most of the time, we spent time together, went to gym, watched shows, threw a few parties etc.
As the time went on, things got worse, and I don't even remember every bad situation that happened over the last 5 months. Some early days she cried a lot, but it's this kind of stiff hopeless cry that really gets me. She doesn't feel emotional, she feels empty, her eyes are really scary sometimes... One day she got really drunk, I think it was an anniversary of her best friends passing, I was really anxious, because she didn't seem like she was controlling herself at all, and I don't know, seeing people just empty, hopeless, out of control, careless and drowning themselves in alcohol ALONE just affects me in a really bad way mentally. When we drove the next day to get her a bookstand (which she was really obsessed with getting this exact day) she was acting really manic and on the edge, I was so nervous that I shook her one time when she said something especially deranged (idea of driving with the complete bookshelf in the public commute), I don't know the last time I felt so much out of control of the situation and shaken, even though the whole situation is seemingly so fucking innocent. One day she threw away a line about how it's so stupid that suicide is a sin. We complain a lot about our lives and make dark humor jokes in our group, and yeah, there is always something real beneath them, I sometimes do have dark thoughts, and I feel like I have a lot of issues as well, but this is all heavy stuff that I wouldn't talk about freely and lightheartedly. I didn't thought then how serious she was, well I kinda did, because I asked her the next day about this, and she laughed saying "Are you serious right now? xD" And she said "Yes, of course I was serious". Before that she talked how she was so tired she was barely able to drive and see other cars, which worried me so much that I can't even describe it, and she didn't say it in a worried tone, just like she wanted to brag or something, I don't know why (she does that A LOT). And I don't know, but it was REALLY traumatic for me to hear her say those things like this, I couldn't sleep for days after this, I was in an especially bad place then. She said she first was going to do it when she was a teen, then once her mother dies, and right now since she knows it's a sin and she wants to see her family and friends she has to live to 50, thats how long she expects to live without killing herself. I said that she still has people here, do we not matter to her at all?, and she said that in the afterlife she has more of them. I said that doesn't she care anything about her health?, because she do goes to doctors and stuff, and she said she only does so because of her mother, she never went to a doctor because she wanted to. She said that she doesn't understand how atheists don't kill themselves immediately. She said it all without blinking an eye about how fucked up what she's saying is, it wasn't like confessing, more like explaining basic facts, and that's the thing that I think fucked me up the most, because if I were to say those things I would be shaking and having difficulties with every word, not throwing this stuff this carelessly.
I am writing wild scenarios in my head about how fucked up things she did in her past, in the parties etc. and they make me really anxious and depressed that she's like this and not much more innocent as I usually pictured her (and still sometimes do, because she's not acting toxic or deranged 100% of the time, she actually shows a lot of care for certain things, she loves every kid and animal etc., she never even smoked a cigarette), because she never seemed so much like a typical club party girl that gets into trouble a lot, well I knew she partied and drunk a lot, but she always seemed kinda different from that. Most of the time she's not like that, she can behave with a lot of compassion most certain situations. She talks about all the speeding tickets she got (and got out of by sweet talking the policemen), she texts all the time while driving, she admits to driving recklessly when alone, she lies to her mother all the time about how well mentally she is, how much she's drinking, like she were silently going on all fours between bedroom and bathroom bc she was so drunk, sometimes she even lies about having passengers when driving to the city we live in because she's so unwell she drives alone and makes stops along the way to make it, she lies about how long it took for her to drive. Sometimes I feel like everything is fake because of some of these things, like I am loosing the touch with reality.
One time we drove back to our hometown, and like halfway through she started to get really sleepy, I could see by the corner of my eye that her head was going down for a fraction of a second. I wanted to switch to drive, but she was having none of it, saying that she already planned to drive home herself and if she planned it then it will happen. I started to get really anxious and frantically started to think of the ways to do something, I stupidly suggested that I will drive my car after her once we get to my home, and she said "You really ARE fucked up xD", because she would still be inside her car and how that would help? And I know it wouldn't, but I panically tried to find something, that's just something that I came up with on the spot. I just told her to text me immediately when she gets home (and she did), but the whole situation was just so fucking stressful for me, I even then told my mother about what's happening but without darker details.
She seems to have a problem wich alcohol, although certain situations can prevent her from drinking extensively, like seeing the kids in school the next day. It's kind of scary how much she can drink and then be sober the next day.
One time she was on her period (they get really bad for her) and she wanted to drink some alcohol because of the weekend, but she was on her first week of antidepressants and all those things caused me not to go to my friends and stay with her to look after, she became really tired after a while, she was barely staying on her feet, when she went to take a shower before bed I asked her to not lock the door and she didn't. I went to clean the dishes, and I think I heard something but I didn't pay attention or anything, but later she was in bed and clearly trying to hide from me that she collapsed under the shower. She was okay, but the fact that she didn't want to admit it to me made me really anxious and depressed. She was so out of energy that I had to hold her the water bottle to drink from. I felt so bad, I don't think I could sleep that night.
She doesn't let me drive because once I drove with her when being really nervous and weren't like the best at it, it kinda angers me because it's double standard as fuck, not letting me drive when I'm nervous, but driving when you're almost sleeping. And I don't consider myself a bad driver, apart from once loosing control when going to friends wedding I have never have an accident. She also gets really mad if I'm going to drive after drinking single beer and waiting like 4 hours after it, and that's NOTHING compared to the things she does.
Sometimes I'm hesitant to tell her some of the things I think, partly because it't pointless, and partly because her response would just make me more triggered, angry, anxious and depressed.
Sometimes I don't know what to do, telling anyone about those things (like her mother) seems like breaking her trust, and those are personal things that I really shouldn't tell my friends about, hence I tell them to my therapist.
What's scary and fucked up is that depression is not only hopelessness, sadness and lack of energy, but for some people also being mad about everything, saying really hurtful things to people that love you, hating on and judging literally everyone, becoming really sickly, strongly obsessed about something, behaving carelessly and recklessly. And every attempt at trying to address those things is responded with some hateful, poisonous comments or "I'm just like that", one time I said to her that she should care less about something, and she responded with a lot of hate that I should just stop "shaking my hands when I'm nervous, can I do that? can I?" I feel so fucking bad sometimes, because part of me wants to scream into her face about the things she does, and at the same time:
I know that it's an illness, and I don't know if that would be bad of me to be angry at her about anything
I'm worried about things she would say to me back, she sometimes seems to revel in hurting people emotionally or at least being really good at it and constantly looking for topics when arguing with someone, and I'm really fragile, sensitive and easy to hurt, for some reason especially to things she says to me
I don't feel like I can have any influence on her actions, although she does comment a lot of the time that other people do, like Monika, Magda, Paweł etc. so sometimes I feel like it contradicts itself, although she does say that she needs to be controlled in some way to do what it said, like being yelled at or being put in the position with no choice, and I don't want to be like that and I don't think I have the strength of character to be like that, and never will
She sends a lot of memes about depression to our group chat, and I personally don't think they're helpful, at least for me, I'm not feeling like someone is going through the same thing as me and it helps, it's more like everyone is trying to drag each other down, some of those memes are as hopeless as you can get, making fun of therapy and psychiatrists, never having any happiness (dementors can't do anything to you), missing yourself and thinking its too late now to regain it, generally memes about not being a human anymore and never being again etc., being put into a mental hospital if you tell your therapist everything, about hating and despising other people. There's this friend that she says is way worse than her, and that he doesn't even want help unlike her, that he's so used to it he almost likes it, I honestly don't know if that doesn't also affect her. One time we drove to our hometown, 5 of us with him and a few others, and they were talking about suicide, and some other friend said this cliche line about suicide being the most egotistical thing a person can do, and even though he was quiet the whole ride he just said "Yeah, right" from the back. I don't know, I guess it depends on the person, but for me surrounding myself with this topics would make me feel worse and not understood. She also has a lot of kids in school with mental issues, she has a kid who is supposed to be after a suicide attempt (that's also one of the things that froze my heart, when she said that she knows he and his parents are bullshitting because he would be put to the hospital for 3 months, but how would she know that?), or generally kids that are on SSRIs and that one time kid told her justifying himself that he took the double dose of antidepressants and she was holding herself not to say "me too!". They had a movie night and they played UNO, and she said that out the 3 kids she played with, all of them were in a psychiatric hospital.
One time at a party in front of everyone she said she thought about jumping out of a window, but being crippled her mom would have to deal with that so she wouldn't do it like that. Other time she said she changes the mind when she loses the energy, she would try to hang herself but would become tired and not do it. Once also we talked about unrelated topic, and I said as a trivia that dead bodies can produce sounds like exhaling, and she said she knows that because she know a lot about dead bodies, and she reads a lot about that... Once she said that she doesn't understand that atheists don't immediately kill themselves when someone close to them dies. Once she said something about there not being anything left of her inside. Once she said that her mother was worried she would be locked up in a psychiatric hospital, but she had to assure her that she knows how to mask everything, and she's not dangerous to others so that wouldn't happen.
Am I too innocent for these topics? Sometimes I feel like a kid listening to adults, and that I don't know and don't understand them and I feel small and worthless.
I think there are a lot of different ways to direct that recklessness and negativity through things like exercise, media escapism, music etc. and not things like hard partying, drugs/alcohol, reckless driving, acting angry etc.
I think that deeply believing that chemical imbalance is the cause of depression is very hurtful, because it's not completely proven and might turn some people off from forms of treatment that could potentially help them.
Escapism is a big thing for me, and I think that it helped me cope with a lot of things. Books, movies, music, I spend a lot of time looking for new music and artists.
I'm becoming very nosy and kinda controlling around her (well not actually controlling cause that's impossible with her, but just very nosy), I want to eardrop her conversations with her mother, to always know what she is doing, to know how well she is all the time.
There's no appreciation for me being around, even more so, saying that you don't matter that much, and what do even have or experienced together to be close. And that she can't really be close to people that don't immediately say what they're thinking (like me, she said, even though when i asked if she thinks I'm a fake friend she said no but I'm not honest), but part of me feels that it's bullshit, everyone hides something and only lets a part of themselves out, although it's true that sometimes I act more quietly and like I'm obviously hiding something. I feel inadequate and really bad because of that because the things I experienced in the last months were big for ME, and definitely changed me, but I guess they were nothing to her.
Sometimes she talks about how it's weird to her that normal people have dreams about having homes, vacations etc. One time she said how when she was little she said she never would be boring and bitter like adults, and then depression hit her. Recently she said she finally has a dream, to be able to rent a studio apartment to finally live alone. It kinda affected me, because I DO live with her (apart from others), and that would mean that she wants to get out from me too. One time she said that she hopes someone lively and fun will move in with us once our current flatmate get out, and that would mean that she is bored with me and my character, and she much preferred the previous one.
With the whole moving out thing, she sometimes talks about things getting better, like closer to spring she will renew the gym subscription, we will decorate the balcony for parties and hanging out (of course she said something about sleeping drunk in there...), and generally some things like that. It does make me wonder, do those lower points happen especially in autumn/winter ? I mean, I know there's even a disorder for that but I can't imagine there being such a huge difference.
When she started school, she became really overwhelmed with the amount of exercises she had to do before lessons. Most teachers don't have everything done beforehand but she said she absolutely needs to, and because of that she spent most of the time just doing them or resting, she was so obsessed with doing them she wanted drop out of our mountain vacation trip because she would be too much behind, and she got angry at me for saying that she needs a rest and that my talking doesn't help anything.
Over a month after the school she started the meds, and it doesn't feel like they helped her, at the beginning they only made her really sleepy and out of energy. In some ways i think that they made her worse, or maybe she just didn't have the energy to hide some things. I remember her reading the drug leaflet and noticing loudly that it may strengthen suicidal thoughts, i then read it myself because I was worried. It's honestly a bad thing that she had to check with the psychiatrist only after 2 months and not sooner because it wasn't helping her. On the second visit the doctor was surprised that it didn't help her (which I think might be a bad thing from her since it reinforces the thought that nothing will help her), and decided to up the dose for next 3 weeks to rule out the drug, and mentioned another stronger drug that she will prescribe her, and Amy asked her is it's a drug that is used in a psychiatric hospitals because she wanted to know, and apparently yes. I'm kinda scared what might be happening when she starts it, because the upped dose of current one doesn't seem to change anything. One time she asked me if I think they could lock her up if she caused an accident while driving while on this drug (if its not allowed to drive on it, because she admitted she would anyway), which again messed with my head a lot. The doctor also said that she might be more immune to various drugs than most people, and she said that it's probably true because a lot of the drugs she takes are quite strong, and she takes A LOT of them, hormones for acne and her very strong and long periods, inhaled steroids for asthma, antidepressants, drugs for sleep. Sometimes she ignores signs of some of her illnesses, like anemia. She sometimes offers people prescription drugs like antidepressants or antibiotics, which makes me really angry because those shouldn't be given around like candies, but like I said earlier I never told her it makes me angry. She also said that she only counts on the meds to work, if they won't, she would off herself
I joked a few times that we could get a cat here, I know that it's no cure but animals can certainly be a help for people who are going through rough times. She really took the subject seriously some day and convinced everyone, including our tenant and flatmates, that we should get a cat. She really wanted to have this one specific cat about 2h hour drive from us, so we drove there, but the cat got away from our car, and we couldn't find it. Few hours later when we got home she was convinced that we killed that cat and started asking everyone if they want anyone dead, because she can arrange that, because everyone around her dies, and she didn't want any cat at all anymore. But we eventually took Luna, and the missing cat was found later. After a few weeks with the cat, our flatmates started complaining about about the cat being in the apartment and not only our rooms (WTF?) and about its litter box and food. Amy was already really annoyed by them, especially this guy who is a little dumb, talkative and annoying, but this whole situation took it too whole another level. She almost couldn't control herself with how much they got on her nerves, merely hearing them walk on the corridor would make her furious. One night in the middle of the week she started going to the kitchen to get drunk to be able to sleep because of them. I obviously couldn't ignore that so I went with her to just be there. She changed topics every few seconds, talked about something that its a good thing our knifes are not sharp, she was generally acting very ill, which usually makes me extremely anxious and quiet. I feel like she was noticing that and she said "why aren't you talking with me ? X and Y always had gossips with me in the kitchen...". Then she went to sleep, texted me a lot about 100 different topics, and then went back to drink some more, then when she went to sleep she texted me something that made me feel like my brain is being fried. She send me a receipt of her drug and it said that overdosing it might cause heart problems and even death, and she added "if I found out that suicide is not a sin, or something changes, I already know the way <3". I didn't know what to do with myself for a good few minutes. My mind was racing and frying, my heart was frozen, and it took me a good while to calm down. Eventually I just took our cat and took it to her to sleep with, but didn't bring the subject, I just couldn't, I was too weak.
Next day she started being obsessed with moving out of here, far away from them, she started looking for available apartments and firstly I wanted to move with her, but the more I thought about this, the more I thought I just couldn't handle all of these things mentally. She was pushing me to define my stand on this, and just said "fuck it" angry at me for not being decisive," I'm gonna move with another guy I know", but I don't think that worked out since she eventually started looking for studio apartments for herself. Eventually I went to her and said that I think I want to live alone, that i feel kinda unstable mentally myself, and I wanted to let her know that I'm not wanting to let her go, but she was just like coldly "I'll be fine" without much emotion behind that. I then started to pour out my things about her (at first she said she didn't have the energy for that, but asked her to listen), how sometimes I felt like she has something negative about me that she doesn't tell me, that's she's colder to me than usually, she said that she's like that to everyone now, and I said that I felt like it was more personal, and she denied. I asked her if she thinks that I'm fake and she said "not fake, but you're not telling what you're thinking" and that she couldn't be close with people like that (or something along those lines). She said that I should have told her all of that right then. She always prides herself for always saying exactly what she means and being painfully straightforward. I also tried to confront her about being negative about my therapy, because I said to her I went to therapy, and she said "and you think it will help you ?" kinda ironically, and i was really hurt by that, she doesn't really believe in therapy and said that judging by colleges in our country her mother is a better therapist than most Ts here. She said then that she meant if I THINK its going to help me, not mocking, and when I said that I don't respond to "how was it?" is because I was worried she would mock me, she replied with "whatever , if you say so". I also said that I'm secretive because telling the truth would make other people hurt me, and she said "well of course".
To this day I don't know if I hurt her with that conversation, I'm not even sure if she understood that I'm very bad mentally right now mainly because of her. I felt really guilty about abandoning her, and talked about it extensively on a therapy session. I know that to save anyone you have to save yourself first, but I would be just proving that she's fucked up and everyone will eventually abandon her. On the other hand, I don't know if she cares AT ALL about me leaving her, maybe I really do am just a flatmate and not much else anymore.
Her mood massively affects mine, I could have the best day of my life and one sentence from her could easily ruin that. Sometimes I get anxious when I hear her walking on the corridor or when she gets back from school because I have no idea what mood she might come home with.
Most fucked up thing is that despite all of this is sometimes I'm still attracted to her. All it takes is one smile, one good day and I'm still rethinking if I would ever want to be with her. And there are also very good reasons for that, she can be very caring, lovable, funny and clever. I also fantasize about her sexually to some small extent. And the thing is that I never before found her very attractive and wasn't interested in her.
How does her mother fit in this ? I don't know but she lost her father as a child, she was taking her to therapists and psychiatrists since she was a child . Sometimes I feel like she can make her worse by saying certain things, like when missing cat was found and saying that it was bad and scary and that we could be taking this one right now. She might have been very overprotective (or might have good reasons to) but Amy was being rebellious and reckless anyway, which might have caused how many lies she tells to her.
When it comes to me, I've never been in such a bad state mentally, today is not the worst but the general period is without a doubt the worst time of my life. Even before all of this I was SURE I needed some help with my mental health, but everything that was happening, her darkness sipping into me, triggering me, listening and talking about suicide all the time for literal months can't be good for anyone although I think I try to show her it doesn't affect me that much, me internally reacting very very badly to her strange and sometimes deranged and reckless behaviours, feeling on the edge a lot of the time due to her, not being able to think about anything else, all that made me finally take the step and make an appointment with a therapist. I noticed in myself symptoms of depression, social anxiety and ADHD, I'm still not sure if I would be diagnosed with anything but I do know that something is wrong with me, especially since others don't seem to be so deeply affected by her despite being close to her for longer than me. There were days where I couldn't sleep, in which I had a strong feelings of hopelessness, depressing feelings about her, myself, my life and the whole world, I researched a lot about depression, and some places are really bad to get into because there is no hope in there, people just drag each other down and write that nothing ever worked for them etc. I even thought about reading up about some therapeutic techniques I could use on her, but now I notice how stupid that sounds.
I sometimes think if she realizes how difficult it is to listen to some of the things she says and does. And I'm not talking about her being difficult and with a quick temper, but just genuinely pouring this darkness on those close to her.
In terms of therapy, I'm still not sure if it can help me with anything. I'm not discounting the people that it did help, but I'm just not sure about me. I know that it probably takes time, I do genuinely feel better when someone listens to all of that (even if I feel like a fraud sometimes because there are surely others that come to her with heavier stuff) even if it lasts only some time after the session. I'm not even sure what would therapy do to me, like what exactly could it possibly change about me, will I care less, will I just cope better, will I change my personality, or will it just be something that I can tell myself that I'm doing without actually helping me
That's a weird one, I'm kind of angry at her for being the best or at least very good at a lot of things, that (when she wants to of course) she can befriend literally everyone and people adore her (like the kids in school, parents congratulating and being shocked how great the kids are doing at school), she had a lot of boyfriends and always seem to have some guys trying to get to her. She's shockingly charismatic, talkative and social when she wants or needs to be. I'm always complaining about not having friends and then she scoffs at me for that I don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't interact with 10% amount of people she does even though she ALWAYS ALWAYS talks how antisocial and what a b she is (meaning she's mean to everyone), she knows a shit ton of people, shocking number actually, especially when you think about her mental state
I really try to be a good friend, but that seems to not be enough. I try to help her with everything, doing the shopping, being with her and talking, asking how she feels, figuring out ways to maybe not help but at least show the support.
Right now we're still gonna live together and I'm gonna move in to the bigger room, and I plan to be in our hometown working remotely more to be better mentally, but I'm still unsure how all that is gonna work out...
Sometimes I feel like I'm fluctuating with how much this really affects me, It feels random, some moments I think all of it affects me less and am able to just go somewhere else with my thoughts, but not always.
==== 6 months later====
Some time has passed since I wrote those last paragraphs, actually it's already 6 months, and in some ways things are better, but in some they are much worse. She got better, not all the way she was before, she still hates being with people and is very mean, sarcastic and emotionally careless (she recently found out she'll probably won't be able to have kids and it didn't faze her at all), throws a joke or two about suicide but it doesn't seem so serious now, she got off meds as far as I know (because I don't know much anymore, but I'll get to that), she found a psychiatrist that first wants to make all kind of tests before prescribing her any drugs, she actually talks about plans for the future, is able to cook for herself, is more social, she's even going to a wedding with a friend she almost hooked up with a month ago (that's also a big thing that for me I want to write about later).
As for me, I'm much worse in a few ways. These things she said and did affected me very deeply back then and I wanted a way to cope with that, and I started to call my old friend Jane and tell her some of the situations that were happening here. I felt bad about it but I just couldn't help myself, I had to tell someone. That was before I got my therapist, and I'm mainly talking about everything with her now, but I was so caught up and messed up with everything, that even after starting the therapy I also talked about some of the things with my ex who is still my good friend, I mentioned she has depression and takes meds to one of my colleagues (without any details), and I mentioned that she has some problems and thinks about moving out to another friend, one day I also told everything to my parents (without the most disturbing details) because I was on a verge of a mental breakdown and just couldn't bring myself to come back here. I also once told our new roommate that Amy is very weird and obsessed about some things like loudly closing doors etc. without telling much else though. That's a lot of people and honestly I don't trust myself that I didn't say anything else to anyone although I doubt it as I don't have much friends or interact with people a lot. Not that it excuses me, but she wasn't really too secretive about it and seemed very open to talking about being depressed and hating life etc. I certainly broke her trust and I feel like shit for it, nothing really excuses me and I can't change what I did, which is slowly killing me inside.
She confronted me about it when I came back from my parent house after telling them everything and finally got the courage to text her about the way she treats me, about what I did wrong, if she thinks that I'm hiding something from her or that I'm insincere about everything I do. Because she's very different to me than she was before and it honestly kills me inside. She told me she regurarly catches me lying about irrelevant small things and she has no idea why but recently she doesn't even trust herself, let alone someone else. I don't think I ever deliberately lied to her but I might have unknowningly responded with wrong information so she doesn't get mad ex. who didn't do the dishes or something. The worse thing is that she said that she heard things, certain minor details about herself from people that should know absolutely nothing about her, and she doesn't want anyone to know anything about her. Of course she didn't specify what details (and if they were even something private, but I can only assume yes by her reaction) and what people (to not break their trust) and I've been thinking about it ever since. She said that I was never her friend, I never knew anything about her and she doesn't really consider anyone her friend since O died from cancer. And that you can't just take anyone from the street and befriend them, and that we can just normally live our lives separately and not get too involved with each other, which really, really fucking hurt me to hear from person that I cared so deeply for, that I tried so hard to show that she matters to me, and to which I gave up so much of my own mental wellbeing to the point of feeling mentally ill myself (at least much more than usual).
I of course haven't told a word anyone since that conversation, and not because I was scared someone might tell her again, but I realize what a huge mistake that was and I honestly hate myself more than ever for breaking her trust and being such a piece of shit and not being able to change what happened or even to make up for it.
Our relationship gets kinda better at times, she talks to me normally sometimes mainly about our cat, although never for too long and practically never initiates a conversation, she barely texts with me, ignores me a lot, she doesn't really talk to me about what is happening with her life and work etc. I mostly find out anything from her conversations with others when I'm present, she is a lot more social with her friends recently and when she sends some screenshoted memes on a group chat there's always someone she's texting with, she's online a lot despite not writing me back, she goes out drinking with her friends every few weeks and I'm never a part of it anymore, I never drive with her back to our town on weekends anymore, and all of that while she live behind a wall, and this actually real rejection is quite honestly making me feel actually suicidal at times, and it gets worse with time to the point that I'm worried I might do something to myself, maybe not now or soon, but in the future, and I even sometimes write vague scenarios in my head about it. Apart from still going to therapy (which still doesn't seem to help me) I signed myself up to a psychiatrist despite my therapist saying that she doesn't see anything clinical in me, with the main issue being an ADHD diagnosis, as that's what I thought most accurately explains my struggles (especially RSD), and I did get diagnosed but I feel like I might have bended the reality a little and not actually have it, I am on my 2 days of meds (upped the dose today) and don't really feel much apart from a very light headache and dry mouth, so I guess that won't fix me after all.
When we were on a mountain trip a month ago I was feeling very bad, because while I was still a part of it and went with everyone, she treated everyone completely different to me, she was laughing, joking with them, being nice and talking to and being interested in them, and the others are not really my close friends so I was feeling a bit alone and isolated. The last night of the trip she and one of the guys (the one with which she's going to the wedding) went for a walk in the middle of nowhere together completely drunk, pissing everyone off for being irresponsible. But while everyone was scared and angry, I was depressed and I guess suicidal, I still have feelings for her despite everything, and seeing that she can go out into the night kissing some guy and after everything can't even hold a conversation with me or tell me anything nice was honestly doing very bad things to my head. And I remembered when a year ago she said she can't be with me, she's too fucked up and couldn't do that to me, but she knows this guy for almost 2 years now and considers him a colleague too so how's that different? I don't even smoke but I smoked like a whole pack of cigarettes that night...
When we came back from the trip I was in a very bad place mentally and said that I wanted to talk, I told her that I can't do this anymore and that I can't control the envy that I feel and that I'll probably have to move out even though I don't want that, and I don't want to leave her alone with our cat, she gave me an impression that she wants me to try, she mentioned my ex that's still my friend and that I got over her, and I told her it took me literal years to get over her, and she said that "so it's possible", we talked some more, maybe the most we talked in weeks if not months about various things, and I felt that things were going to get better, But they didn't. A few weeks passed and I feel just as rejected as before.
I can't disinvest emotionally from her, I can't stop thinking about what she thinks of me, if I'm fake and dishonest and always hide my true motives, and I don't think there is a point in confronting her again and apologizing and hoping for forgiveness, I feel like current state of my life will never change and even if we stop seeing and living with each other anymore, it will still take me years (if ever) to get over everything that happened in the last year because I'm not really better mentally when I'm home with my parents, I still think about it all the time. I don't want to leave this place, and I don't want to leave her with a cat she'll have to take care on her own, I don't know what to do anymore.

So we’re (30HLM,28LLF) together for 12 years now, married since 10 years. We have a very lovely marriage and besides this whole sex issue she is the perfect fit for me. In the beginning everything was going fine we had sex on a regular base and we both always enjoyed it very much. As time passed by the occasions got less and less and less. Now it’s been 2.5 years without any sex or even getting intimate in any way besides cuddling. And tbh it’s tearing me apart
We talked a lot about it and this sub really helped me to cope with it but right now I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of being neglected, I miss the affection, I miss being desired and touched. I feel like I can’t keep it anymore but I obviously don’t wanna leave her because everything besides this is just so wonderful in our marriage. I guess I just needed that vent, but any suggestions are well appreciated. Thanks for reading

we are looking into supporting the peruvian cacao tradition as well as their economy by creating a collaboration around circular economy, permaculture, and much more. I am looking into organic cacao farms in Peru, and was wondering whether someone has contacts or has visited farms before which they could recommend to get in touch with?

Title: "The Lost Relic"
INT. RAZOR CREST - COCKPIT - DAY
The Razor Crest drifts through space, navigating through asteroids. MANDALORIAN, wearing his iconic beskar armor, sits in the pilot seat, with THE CHILD (aka Baby Yoda) asleep in his lap.
MANDALORIAN (whispering) Almost there, kid. We'll find something valuable this time.
EXT. OUTER RIM PLANET - SPACEPORT - DAY
The Razor Crest lands in a bustling spaceport on an outer rim planet. Mandalorian and The Child exit the ship.
MANDALORIAN Stay close, kid. This place can be dangerous.
INT. SPACEPORT - MARKETPLACE - DAY
The Mandalorian and The Child walk through a vibrant marketplace filled with alien species, exotic creatures, and unique artifacts. They approach a shady alien DEALER at a stall displaying various relics.
DEALER Welcome, Mandalorian. Looking for something special today?
MANDALORIAN I'm looking for information on an ancient Mandalorian relic. It's said to be hidden somewhere in these parts.
DEALER (slyly) Ah, you're talking about the Lost Gauntlet. A prized possession indeed. But acquiring such knowledge won't come cheap.
Mandalorian takes out a small pouch of credits and hands it to the Dealer.
MANDALORIAN This should cover it. Now, tell me where I can find it.
DEALER (pointing) There's an abandoned temple deep in the jungle. That's where you'll find the Gauntlet. But beware, Mandalorian, legends speak of dangerous guardians protecting it.
MANDALORIAN I'm used to dealing with guardians. We'll be on our way.
EXT. OUTER RIM PLANET - JUNGLE - DAY
Mandalorian and The Child trek through a dense, overgrown jungle. They encounter various traps and obstacles along the way.
INT. ABANDONED TEMPLE - INNER CHAMBER - DAY
Mandalorian and The Child arrive at the entrance of the abandoned temple. Inside, they find an intricately designed INNER CHAMBER filled with ancient Mandalorian artifacts and carvings.
MANDALORIAN The Gauntlet must be here somewhere. Stay close, kid.
As they explore, a menacing, armored GUARDIAN emerges from the shadows, blocking their path.
MANDALORIAN Looks like we've got company.
Mandalorian skillfully engages in combat with the Guardian while protecting The Child. After a fierce battle, Mandalorian manages to defeat the Guardian and continues his search.
INT. ABANDONED TEMPLE - SECRET CHAMBER - DAY
Mandalorian discovers a hidden chamber, illuminated by a mysterious glowing light. In the center lies the long-lost MANDALORIAN GAUNTLET, adorned with precious gems and inscribed with Mandalorian symbols.
MANDALORIAN (whispering) We found it, kid. The Lost Gauntlet.
Just as they reach out to touch it, the ground begins to shake. The temple starts to collapse.
MANDALORIAN Quick! We have to get out of here!
Mandalorian grabs the Gauntlet and rushes back through the collapsing temple, dodging falling debris.
EXT. OUTER RIM PLANET - JUNGLE - DAY
Mandalorian and The Child burst out of the temple just as it crumbles behind them, leaving nothing but ruins.
INT. RAZOR CREST - COCKPIT - DAY
Mandalorian sits in the pilot seat, holding the Mandalorian Gauntlet. The Child is safely in his lap.
MANDALORIAN We did it, kid. We found the Lost Gauntlet.
The Razor Crest takes off, leaving the outer rim planet behind.
FADE OUT.
---
Two action sequences: Fight with the guardian and escape the collapsing themple, check. Mandalorian walking through slowly a weird alien market, check.
Now we have to put in some cutsey Baby Yoda scenes and make the escape from the temple an Indiana Jones reference and we will have a perfect Mandalorian episode.

Hey first time posting i hope my zanpakuto concept isnt unreasonably powerful. Please let me know what you think:)
Zanpakuto: Fukutsu Yajū(indomitable beast)
Appearance: when sealed, Fukutsu Yajū looks like a Katana made of a dark metal with a hooked tip and a tsuba styled like two dragons eating eachother's tails.
Shikai Activation: "Rampage, Fukutsu Yajū"
Once activated, Fukutsu Yajū's blade becomes wreathed in white flame and glows with a dull red heat. Every successful hit with Fukustu Yajū causes its heat to grow until it is engulfed in white flame. Any offensive kido successfully blocked by Fukutsu Yajū is absorbed and charges its flame. While the flame is fully charged it can cut and melt through most other substances and spiritual defenses including bakudo. The more powerful the flame from Fukustu Yajū the more the users speed and physical strength grows, with its fully charged state giving the user strength and speed 10 times greater than before.
The user can use the flames wreathing Fukutsu Yajū as an arc of fire slicing through the air then call them back to wreath the blade again.
Bankai: Hakai no Ryū Fukutsu Yajū (dragon of destruction, indomitable beast)
Fukutsu Yajū's bakai can only be activated when its flames are fully charged. The flames that engulf Fukutsu Yajū's blade solidify into a bright white energy. The twin dragons on Fukutsu Yajū's tsuba morph into flame. One flies into the user's heart causing an aura of flame to spring up around them. The other grows and wraps around the blade of Fukutsu Yajū.
The flaming aura around the user gives them a moderate healing factor, healing all non-debilitating wounds and blocking out all pain as well as giving the user enhanced stamina.
The solidified energy of the blade allows it to move far quicker and can cut through even the strongest spiritual defenses including 90 level bakudo. The dragon wrapping around the blade bites and binds the opponent's weapon while the user attacks if it can, damaging it in the process. Mundane weapons and body parts are incinerated at a touch but even zanpakuto can sustain damage if bound too many times. From range the user can point Fukutsu Yajū's blade at the target and the dragon will open its mouth and breathe a beam of white hot flame. The beam can be as large as over a hundred meters in diameter or as condensed as a centimeter in diameter. The energy stays the same no matter how much area is covered so the more condensed the beam is, the more power it conveys to one spot.
This bankai is focused on all out offense. The user may rely on the bankai to keep them going even after they would usually be incapacitated but if they push themselves too far, their body will be unable to support their power and they will fall unconscious or even die as soon as their bankai ends.

I want to start this off by saying there is still going to be plenty of money to be made this bull run. With that being said, I don't think we are going to be soaring to the heights some of us want to see, myself included.
I saw a post here that "theorized" that BTC will hit a per-coin value of $350k this bull run. We would all love that to happen, but I just don't think it's a reasonable theory. In fact, after I did some basic, back-of-napkin math, I'm not even sure we can crack $100k this time around.
Before I start showing my work, I want to be clear that I want BTC to fly to the fucking moon. I'd much rather see it hit $350k than the figure I came to, but the historical figures show that things are flattening. It's important to keep an objective perspective of these things so when the mania does come you aren't caught up in the greed of the moment.
Let's begin. In my eyes, BTC has had four true market peaks. 2011, 2013, 2017, and 2021. The data I will be examining is the peak-to-peak value as a percentage gain. Essentially, if you bought BTC at the top of one cycle, but sold at the top of the next cycle, how much you would have gained.
The p2p gain between 2011 and 2013 was 3558%, enough to turn a $100 investment into $355,800
The p2p gain between 2013 and 2017 was 1362%, enough to turn a $100 investment into $136,200
The p2p gain between 2017 and 2021 was 228%, enough to turn a $100 investment into $22,800
Obviously, the gains between bull runs are shrinking, but what is really interesting is just how much of a decline is occurring.
The difference between the first and second p2p measurements is about 60%, and the difference between the second and third p2p measurements is 84%. Are you beginning to see where this is going?
Now we get into the prediction part of this little write-up. Let's say for the sake of easy math that BTC peaked at exactly $70k in 2021. We know that each p2p cycle is smaller than the last, so it's not going to be a 228% gain, it has to be smaller. Now, since we are working with an extremely small number of data points I'm going to propose a pretty wide range, but I want to emphasize that I think the high likelihood is on the lower end of the range.
If we hold a 228% gain then the peak of the next cycle will be about $160k, this is what I would consider total moonshot territory.
If the p2p gain is 60% less than the previous p2p gain, then the peak next cycle will be about $134k
If the p2p gain is 84% less than the previous p2p gain, then the peak next cycle will only be $95.5k
If the p2p gain is even worse, we may be lucky to crack $80k this time around.
I want to see BTC hit insane numbers just as much as the rest of you. I also want to reiterate that these gains are still way more than traditional investments so the numbers are still nothing to scoff at, especially if you're buying now. What's important is that we take the time today to temper our expectations and develop an exit strategy before the mania takes over.
How vehemently do you disagree with this assessment?

https://ogjre.com/clip/for-gillian-robertson-social-situations-are-harder-than-fighting
Transcript of video:
Everything is weird about this for me. It's just like, I don't, I'm just like, I guess a socially awkward kind of, don't really put myself out there. Well, I do with fighting, but it's like, I've never really put myself out there in life. So it's like to be in these kinds of positions, it's just, it's all a lot for me. Wow. Well, it's amazing that the way you handle fighting, you can handle this the same way you handle fighting. You just get comfortable with it. I think that, I don't know, for me, social situations are a lot harder than like fighting situations. Wow. That's crazy. Oh yeah. Has it always been like that? 100%. Since you were a child? Yeah. I feel like I've always been like the socially awkward kid in the back of the class, like the nerd. Well, I still am at the gym, but I volunteered with animals my whole life. I volunteered at the Humane Society, a horse rescue, wildlife rehab, but just animals were my thing. And then it was just kind of a left field. I started kickboxing when I was 16. Just for fun? Yeah, I really don't know where it came, like what the idea was, but- Where'd you start? What gym? At Dean's gym. Oh, okay. Wow. You got lucky. So exactly. I think pro fighters worked for my dad. So I wanted to start kickboxing and then my dad found out that this guy was a pro fighter for Dean. So he ended up finding his gym and that was the first gym I started at. Wow. Well, what a great place to start. And so then you start kickboxing and how long before you decide, well, what about this MMA stuff? How long was that? I think it was probably like four or five months before I started taking the MMA class there, but I wasn't like thinking about fighting. There was a kid who was on the wrestling team at my high school who started training at Dean's gym and he was like, oh, why don't you take the MMA class? And I thought, okay, I'll have a partner. Why don't I try it? And I just kept on doing it. And then I was training like every day for like three hours a night, you know? And they're like, all right, well, why don't we just get you a fight at this point? Wow. What was it about fighting in martial arts that you became so obsessed with? I really think it was a one. I don't know what it was at first because I didn't start jujitsu, especially in the gi until like a year after I started training. But when I started gi jujitsu, I fell in love with that 100 percent where it's just the technique of it and the little tiny details of jujitsu that matter so much. Like if you put your thumb on this side of the hand or on this side of the hand, it makes a huge difference. Like the little tiny techniques that can make the difference where now a 115-pound girl at the time could do whatever she wanted to a 200-pound guy. You know, it was manhandling these guys around the room. And I'm like, just because of these techniques that I learned. And I thought that was awesome. Yeah, that is an amazing thing. It's jujitsu is the one martial art that delivers as promised, where the smaller trained person can defeat the larger untrained person. There's a lot of other martial arts. I mean, you have a better chance, but when they're really big, you know, and some guy is swinging it. If you notice how to punch a little bit and you get clubbed with one of those giant hams, you get fucked up. But if you get into a struggle, like some sort of a scramble, and you knock into some chairs and all of a sudden you get ahold of this person, now he's fucked. That's what's crazy. It's like that a small person can physically control and submit a much stronger person regularly. It happens all the time. It happens with black belts. Even in striking, it's like a person cannot know anything, but if they're big enough, they throw their hand the right way. They can knock you out. Yeah. If you get hit with Francis Ngannou's pinky, you're in trouble. Exactly. You know, there's certain people that are so powerful. The idea that you're going to stand and trade with them is crazy. They're going to hit you once and you're dead. It just doesn't work that well. Jiu-jitsu is just not the variant of space. So there's not that element of guessing where it's like, I can control and I can feel what you're going to do by touching you. It makes it a lot easier. You're not guessing what that space is striking. You're also not guessing the variables. How fast is this person? How fast am I accustomed to people punching me? Is this person much faster? Do I have to anticipate that? Because if you ever see like street fight videos, the most horrific ones are some poor asshole who wants to start a fight with someone who's a trained fighter and the trained fighter fucks them up. But you could see like they have no idea how fast things can happen. I'm sure you've seen a Joe Schilling one. Yeah. Joe Schilling one is ridiculous. But there's no way that guy could have known that that can happen that quickly. There's no way. And people don't expect like for someone like me, a lot of times I get, I would never guess that you're a fighter. For someone like Joe Schilling is still even like, oh yeah, you wouldn't like just see him. Just like an axe murderer. But you just see him walking around. Like most people you don't expect that they're... Joe Schilling you don't expect it? I don't know. He looks like a psycho to me. Yeah. But say like Ryan Hall. Ryan Hall is a great example. You don't expect him to be a fighter, but it's like you never know what somebody is capable of when it comes to sports like this. Oh, for sure. And then you get to Mikey Musimache. Yeah, exactly. That's the best example. Yeah. Mikey is a stone cold killer. And he looks like a guy who comes over to fix your computer. Like he looks like the friendliest super nerd. Oh, this video is horrible. This is street fight in a parking garage. Have you seen this? No. These guys start fucking with this dude in a parking garage. The guy trying to get away. No, he fucked the other guy up before this. This is the shorter version. Okay, this is the shorter version. So this guy, he's trying. He's like, come on, you want some? And he moves forward. This guy leg kicks him. And then this is where it gets ugly. Punches them. Bam. He's out. Yeah, you don't want that. Like what? Like it's awesome to see that stuff works, right? For people like, hey, this is real. Someone tries to attack you. You have an upper hand. But also, what are you doing? Yeah. These fucking people. I've never been in a street fight in my life. Good for you. I don't intend to ever. It's just, I don't get it. Yeah, there's, I don't see a use for fighting outside the cage for me. A lot of people anger management issues. And then there's criminals too. And you know, bad folks. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's a lot of weird stuff in the world. But just for me, I think it's fascinating that you are more afraid of social interaction than you're afraid of cage fighting. That might be one of the greatest lines that anyone has ever said. I think that's going to get you a lot of fans. For real. For me, it's just like literally, I never really did any kind of interviews or media or anything like that until I got in the tough house. So that's going from absolutely zero to 100%. What was that like? You were like 22 at the time? Yeah, I was 22 and I was having interviews every day. Cameras on you 24-7. Literally, after every single interview, I had to go and change my shirt because I'd be dripping sweat like I just got out the sauna. Whoa. Just so nervous after every single interview. Do you think they brought you into the house knowing that you were nervous too? Like that you're a little socially awkward in that regard and maybe that would make good television? I guess I never thought of it in that way. Obviously, they brought you in because you're skillful. But they also cast that show as a reality show. It's a very cleverly done show. It's smart the way they do it. Even with what they're doing now with Conor McGregor and Michael Chandler, it's great but perfect shit talking. When Conor tells him you'll do as you're told, it's amazing. I hope that fight takes place. But it's such a show, right? So it's not just an athletic competition. It's also they want to make sure the people are fun. Oh yeah. Our season seemed pretty tame though, I feel like in general. We had a lot of ... There was me and Montana Delarosa were the two younger girls and then everybody else I feel like was older and more mature. Around at least 30s and they were like ... Nobody was trying to start drama. Nobody was trying to get in each other's faces or we didn't have any altercations. It was a pretty chill season. That's great. So no one ever encourages any bickering or anything like that? They don't ever tell you, hey, that bitch has been science and shit. Does anybody ever do that? No, nobody ever really does anything like that. But it's just the boredom gets to you if anything else. It's like ... I feel like ... No phones, right? No phones, no TV, no music, no books, no ... Nothing. No books. Nothing at all. Oh my God. Nothing? So it's like ... Can you have a notebook? You're allowed to get a notebook and then they gave us ... We asked for coloring books and they gave us sketch pads. Oh my God, I think I would go nuts. That sounds like one of those anti-tech retreats. Exactly. Where they try to weed people off their tech addictions. I was just talking to one of the boys who's actually on the Conor McGregor season over the weekend and he said the exact same thing as me. He was like, it was the best and worst experience of my life. Because it's like when you're in the gym, there's so many highs, it's so great. But then when you go back to the house, you're just sitting there for hours and you're bored and it sucks. What do you guys do to kill time? Can you play games? Do they have ... They used to have pool, right? Yeah, I think they had a pool table and a chess table and then they have the list where you can order anything. Oh, so you could order like Monopoly? Yeah, so we would order a bunch of bullshit just trying to entertain ourselves. God, did you have good conversations? Or was it weird because you're all competitors? It's weird, well, not because we're competitors because I'm weird. That's awesome. I felt like I ... Especially back then, I wasn't able to just like, I don't know, acclimate to that, going into a house with 16 different girls that I don't really know. Right. Yeah, a completely alien experience. You're feeling a little bit awkward and you're also 22. And then also, bam, now you're on TV. It's my first time really like leaving home, I would say, for a long period of time. So it was definitely a big experience, like a lot to take on. How long ago was that now? Six years? Six years. Would you say that now you're entering into your fighting prime? Do you think that's happening right now? Oh yeah, I think this is like just the beginning of my prime. I'm just getting into where I've really found the right combination for everything and I feel like I'm just getting better every fight. Are you ranked right now? Where are you at? My next fight is against the number 15 girl, Tabitha Rickey. Interesting. She's tough. That'll be fun. That'll be a good one. Like it's coming up quick, June 24th. Oh wow, that is quick.

First I will start with the good: I LOVE both the new maps, they're beautiful, they play well and they play very differently from all the other maps in the game! El Alamein needs good MGs, Snipers, Tankers and AT gun crews to work, and the whole team needs to be coordinated and have a good grasp of map control to win! Driel I like just a bit less, as it feels a bit cheap to cross the water anywhere I want, but I guess that's better than Remagen... A system of pontoon bridges on one side and shallow water and island crossing on the other would be better I think, instead of being able to cross the river under the bridge where no one is looking! Also, some open houses with second-floor windows would be nice for Driel! Both maps do need some optimization, as they stutter a lot, and drop FPS in some locations and sight lines, but that will probably get fixed in a patch.
Now for the bad: Both the British and the Germans need at least 1 set of FREE desert uniforms! Anything else, you monetize, I don't care, so long as there's a single desert option like there's a winter one!
As for the gameplay itself, these are all possible options to balance the Brits (and Soviets) out and fix the other U14 issues (From a +1000h HLL Vet):

• You need to improve the sight design and strafe behavior of ALL British weapons to match other factions! Lower the flip-up ladder on the Lewis and just give it a V-notch, make the aperture and front post on Sten slimmer, also, slim down the Bren aperture a bit maybe? Lee Enfield No.4 has perfect sights, don't touch them!
• Give all Brits the Lee Enfield No.4 as the starting weapon, P14 should be optional or removed except for snipers! No.4 has absolutely GREAT sights and 10 round mag! Give them a Semi-Auto pistol (like the Browning Hi-Power) for MG and tanker classes, like you did for the Soviets, the Germans have 2 semi-auto options. Also, give them more Sten, less Lanchester! It should stay in for variety, but it shouldn't be the Brit's main SMG
• Give L-E rifles a RAPID bolt cycle rate like IRL (They don't have a semi-auto rifle like the Germans) and increase the range of all rifles from 200m 1HK to 250 or 300m 1HK, this will help a lot of people not feel cheated out of kills when they hit a target 201m away on the new very open, long sight line maps. Currently, if you hit someone with a bolt action once, they quickly zig-zag to cover, use a bandage and then continue on their merry way, zigzagging again making it impossible to hit them even once, let alone twice!
• Add a bipod to Bren and increase 1-Hit-Kill to 200m (or just 150 because you can aim it without a bipod deployed?) like rifles and other MGs, it fires a full-size caliber like them.Also, do this to FG42 (this will actually give us a reason to use an FG42 instead of the STG, as currently, it is inferior in every way: Sights, Recoil, Mag Size, Ammo carried) and BAR, but not STG44, it should stay 100m 1HK as it fires a much smaller caliber than Rifles, LMGs, and Auto Rifles! I, personally, would also love to see German MG get the option of an FG42 loadout, like the US has the BAR, but that's just me!
• Give the default Brits' ASSAULT loadout a DRUM mag Thompson, and a Sten for the Saboteur ASSAULT loadout, the Bren makes no sense with the Satchel! It's a very heavy, very wrong gun to run up to a tank with or storm an enemy compound and blow it up! The Bren should be an option for the AUTOMATIC RIFLEMAN and the MG, we don't need up to 3 Brens per 6-man Squad! This should also be done with the STG44 loadout for Germans, a satchel + most versatile gun in the game + grenade + 2 smokes makes no sense! Give German ASSAULT with a satchel the FG42, and move the STG44 to the other loadout!
• Add the Universal Bren Carrier for the British instead of the M2 halftrack, yes it has less troop capacity than the other ones, but no, that will not be a problem as nobody uses them as troop transports! Also, giving us a single halftrack instead of (or with) the standard transport truck @ one of the HQs at the start of each game would be really great, helping both teams establish a presence at the front immediately, if they use it correctly! Maybe even a jeep at one HQ at the start of the game, for the commander to use! They don't need to respawn like all the other starting vehicles, just let us use them at the start of each game, even if we have to spawn them in ourselves!
• Remove STG44 and FG42 (maybe even replace the G43 with a slower, 2x clip-reloading G41?) from maps that shouldn't have them! (El Alamein, Kharkov, Kursk, Stalingrad), especially as the Soviets & Brits have no equivalent (except for the SVT-40 on the Soviet side)!
• Give MG42 (and MG34) a realistic DRUM mag size of 50 (or 75 double drum for MG34) rounds instead of 250, as you did to the DP27 and Lewis, just 47 rounds in the PAN mag. Yes, Lewis also had a 97-round mag... This will have the added benefit of making the MG34 PART OF THE META, and not just an inferior MG 42 in every way, as it will use up that little drum of ammo much slower! MG mains (me) WILL complain, fuck, I will be really sad too, but it has to be done! The current system makes ZERO sense, realism for the bad LMGs, fantasy for the MG42? Also, a more realistic amount of ammo carried (6 drums of 50 instead of 250) by MG players would necessitate actually coordinating with the squads' Support or Riflemen for ammo more often, which is ALWAYS a good thing!
• The MG role could also choose between a drum fed and belt fed loadout, and if the belt fed is chosen, he could not hip fire the MG on the move, he would have to stop, drop a box of belt ammo, deploy the bipod, load in a belt and then AND ONLY THEN be able to fire! That way MGs on Omaha retain their 250 round belts without it being overpowered! If he wants to move position, he has to take out the belt, remove the bipod, pickup the belt ammo box and then he can move off to another spot! The British could get the Vickers K for this, the Soviets maybe the DShK or the Maxim?

Ok, now for the MOVEMENT:
A soldier who passed basic training could easily run MUCH FASTER than the current in-game speed (or than the average speed of a top marathon runner at the time), even with essential combat gear (which was not that much, between 15-25lbs or 7-11kg), for 100-500m, or in other words: 1/420th (NICE!) to 1/84th of a marathon-length, which is 42km! ALL HLL maps are just 2x1km!
Could he ADS so fast coming out of that run? NO!Would his aim sway a lot before he would catch his breath? YES!Could he change direction or "zigzag" with ZERO loss of speed? NO!Could he start and stop a sprint instantly, on the spot? NO!Could he dolphin dive and get back up to start running again instantly? NO!
These are all problems that need addressing (even if the old run comes back!), but the speed at which we run in the game is neither unrealistic, nor a major problem for gameplay if all these other problems are solved! Maybe the tanks should get a 10% boost too, I'm not sure about that, I don't tank enough to have an educated opinion on it, so I would love a tankers input!
I like that we are finally able to run and dive to cover, it feels like my soldier ACTUALLY CARES FOR HIS LIFE NOW AND IS SCARED OF BEING SHOT (That's why I will defend both the new speed and the dive to prone to death!), but you shouldn't be able to chain these moves to glide across the ground! I wouldn't be opposed to lowering the speed just a bit, back to 110% of what it was (or the new speed could work just for the first 100-200m after which the old one kicks in, and you have to stop and wait or walk before your quick sprint recharges), but the old speed should definitely not come back!
P.S. Where's the Crusader tank at El Alamein?

The bylaws state President cannot also be Secretary. Our bylaws also state there shall be a Secretary (for instance, they also say there need not be a Vice President).
I see the recently filed annual report, the President is also Acting Secretary. It isn't like he needs to be, in that there is a director who has no officer position. So anyone have any experience with two positions together not being allowed, but are doing so as "acting" position?
It might seem persnickety, but ot sure how it could trip us up, but the bylaws say certain documents signed by the President would be also signed by the Secretary. He is also doing any functions of Treasurer, as the director holding that position didn't want to be, and hasn't gotten any orientation or familiarity in an entire year, he does not even give the treasurer's report. So the president is doing everything, as the director with no officer position also does nothing. How does anything get done? The president or the association manager, but the president has taken advantage of moving accounts around to look like we have reserves, etc., the treasurer has no clue of what is going on.
But we have lost a lawsuit on a technicality before, and an attorney once told me he wins a lot of lawsuits for unit owners because the property managers and boards have a lot of errors that they can have actions, votes, etc. declared void.
The annual report also doesn't have the current association manager or their email, so not sure if anyone using the Sec of State records to email them we would be considered on notice? For instance, town officials often email out documents that are considered official, such as the fire inspection reports.

So I picked up charting a couple months back, because I recently had an abundance of time on my hands and there were some songs I wanted to play that didn't already have charts. Recently though, I've had a bit of burnout. After charting about 7 songs, I haven't felt the same drive to make any more; I've started plenty of other ones, but the number of roadblocks in a given song just outweighs my drive to play them—trick fret patterns or odd rhythms that I simply don't have the patience to deal with. Which sucks, because I love charting (otherwise I wouldn't have started or planned so many other projects).
To scratch that itch while I've been out of commission, I've recently been doing Full Difficulty charts of the songs I've already done. I've seen a lot of posts lamenting the fact that most custom charts are Expert Only, and let's face it, it's a lot easier to reduce the complexity of something you've already charted than it is to chart something new. Normally if you want to chart an Expert level song, the best option is to look up the tabs of the song in question and transcribe it from there. But not every song is tabbed out, and a majority of the ones that are tend to be chords only; you'll be lucky if they include a strum pattern. At that point, all you can do is try and listen really closely, but depending on the mixing, the part you wanna chart can be nearly unintelligible. All of it just makes it really difficult to find a song that: A) you want to chart, B) that can be charted with relative ease, and C) hasn't been charted already.
In contrast, I've just about completed my first Full Difficulty chart, and I can't recommend the process enough. Instead of having to figure out new patterns or what sequence of chords plays best while still matching the pitch of the song, you get to reduce what you already have, distilling it to its core elements; the answer is laid out in front of you, you just have to find it.
Of course, Full Difficulty charting has it's own challenges, particularly figuring out how to simplify note/strumming patterns into a Difficulty that, let's be honest, most of us haven't touched in a long time. (I'm planning on making some follow-up posts regarding certain speed bumps, but this post is getting long enough as it is).
But if you're a charter and you've never tried Full Difficulty charting, give it a shot! You may just surprise yourself with how fun it is.
Heck, even if you've never charted before but are curious to try your hand at it, you could practice by simplifying other Expert Only songs for you to play (although the ethics of posting it are a bit dubious; make sure to contact the original charter if you want it uploaded to see if it's okay or if they want to upload it for you?)

In multiple threads, there have been concerns raised that FanGraphs is "too slow" to change projections for teams. Rather than respond to each post individually, I felt it made more sense to just run down the basic data for past June 1st FanGraphs projections.
(I'm speaking as an analyst here, not as some kind of official representative)
We have historical data for the FanGraphs projections going back to the start of 2014, so that's what we're focusing on (I could, and have, done this exercise with ZiPS, which goes back to 2005, but since this is specifically about the FanGraphs projections, I focused on those).
I looked at every standing as of June 1st in all years except 2020 (for obvious reasons). This sample size is limited, of course, as there are only 240 teams in the years examined. I'm using a simple methodology given the clarity of the data, so I'm not doing ROC curves or anything, else we start to resemble a math lesson; I would make an awful math teacher.
As of June 1st, the absolute average error (AAV) in winning percentage of the season-to-date vs. actual rest-of-season is 69 points of winning percentage (0.06911). The AAV of the FG RoS projections vs. actual rest-of-season is 54 points of winning percentage (0.05396).
Now, this doesn't mean that the FG RoS projections are just slightly better than reality. For that we need to construct a baseline. So using a coinflip model (projecting every team has a RoS winning percentage of .500), the AAV of the coinflip model vs. actual rest-of-season is is 72 points of winning percentage (0.07226).
In other words, as a predictive rest-of-season model, using season-to-date rather than coinflips have only improved average projection accuracy by 3 points of winning percentage, while the FG RoS model has improved average projected accuracy by about 18 points of winning percentage.
That doesn't completely resolve the question of course. The question is, how much would a stronger weighting of season-to-date winning percentage *improve* the FG RoS projected winning percentage? In a perfect calibration it wouldn't improve it at all, as all the relevant data would already be ideally contained within the FG RoS projected winning percentage.
Constructing a linear model of FG RoS and April/May winning percentage based on 2014-2022 improves the AAV of the model slightly to 53 points of winning percentage (0.05251).
In other words, if you took the FanGraphs projected RoS winning percentage on June 1st of every year, you would have improved the average win projection over the final ~108 games by 0.16 wins.
That calibration is not absolutely perfect is not unexpected as we have limited data to work with to derive our models.
Contrary to belief, we do not "decide" how to mix projections and reality, with the models (ZiPS certainly does and Steamer and THE BAT probably do as well) deriving in-season projections based on historical data of in-season performance and rest of season performance. Historically is obviously not always going to be a perfect predictor of the future -- which is why you see very good but not perfect calibration -- but what it comes down to is that there's no test data of baseball; everything we know about baseball is observed *from* baseball.
All predictive models have and will continue to have large errors. Even if you knew every team was a coin-flip in every game entering the season, you'd still miss, by about 5 wins per team per season, and we can never have knowledge ethat precise. But in the realm of whether our predictive models are too slow or too quick to react, the calibration is solid and will continue to improve as more seasons are played.

I grew up a people pleaser. I was extremely shy, but at the same time i was so lonely that I wanted friends more than anything. I basically found this middle ground where I made one friend and was really attached to them and only them. This has been a pattern since my childhood, and although I learned to talk to people as a teenager, i realized I still have this habit although I am not very outward about it.
I am growing up in a pretty toxic home where it feels like it is my parents vs me, and the most important person in my life, my mom, is pretty flip floppy with who she sides with (she tells me that she will stand by me no matter what but if my dad starts hitting me she will leave the room). My mom was always my best friend. Since I was a baby I was terrified of my dad, but I adored my mom. In elementary school, I would ask her to come have lunch with me instead of actually talk to other kids my age, i recently started doing this again as a Junior in high school. I think because of my quite rocky relationship with her, every friendship I make is an attempt to recreate the bond with my mother that has basically completely fallen apart by now, so with all my friendships, I'm obsessed with the idea of loyalty. If someone is mean or says something to my friend, I've always had a bad habit of going out of my way and doing the most to stand up for them, and then when they don't do the same for me I question everything.
I've become more and more social growing up, and put people I want to be friends with on a pedestal. I'm usually pretty good at making friends with them once i decide I want them, but everytime i do this, eventually if i feel they aren't giving me as much attention as they did at the beginning of our friendship, I lose my temper and start a fight with them, usually severing that bond.
This had a really big consequence my junior year. i hate the term, but a girl I felt this way about was "popular". We were close and in our own friend group for over a year, and i would do huge things for her like buy her presents everytime she was sick and surprise her (too much i know haha), but she started doing things (like racist things and generally mean comments) that hurt my feelings. I communicated with her mostly, but decided to let it go as no one in our friend group cared, however, since then I noticed I was getting pissed with every small thing she did, good or bad for literally no reason. It got really bad in the summer. I was supposed to go to a concert with two of the other girls in the group, and I don't know why but I told them not to invite her. They did anyway and I told them I'm not going (also i assumed they would keep that I'm upset with her a secret but they didn't, i was a moron for thinking that to this day i dont know why i did). She caught covid the day of the concert so I just paid for her ticket and went, and even though this was when I was upset with her, i still bought her flowers, a card, and a gift to drop at her house because I felt bad she was sick and missed it. For the entire summer, the three other girls would always hang out and never invite me (we all live in the same neighborhood). Eventually, it just got to me and I told her and my other friend (context: me and this friend had been close since 5th grade, she also started leaving me out of things) that I wanted to take some space from them for a while. This was normal and we didn't bother each other until she found out I wasn't going to her birthday. She messaged me, we fought and then made up. I thought it was over until I found out she was talking shit about me with another girl, so i angrily messaged her again, we fought, we made up. Even though we made up, I still decided not to go to her party before we completely sorted our issues out because i realized I truly cared about our friendship and i wanted it to go back to the way it was, when i told her this, she blocked my number and we haven't talked since. Our fight was made a really huge deal, everyone in our grade in MULTIPLE SCHOOLS talked shit about me without knowing anything about me or the true context of our fight, it really wrecked the small confidence I had.
For the rest of junior year, i basically disappeared. I always prided myself on my sense of humor. i became the "funny friend" like super early on in life because it was the only way anyone would want to be my friend. I would always post on my close friends that had like 100+ people to sort of be my "audience". After that fight, most of those people disliked me so I switched to a new account with like 30 instagram followers. I grew more and more withdrawn from people, I always have headphones in these days, and don't talk to anybody at all. Before, I was worried people would think I was a loser if I had no friends. One good thing about this whole situation is that now I no longer care what people think or say about me. I only have about 9 followers on my social media right now, i'm keeping a very small circle, but even within those 9 people, not a single one of them is my true friend.
What I'm trying to say is, i've been feeling pretty lonely again and I'm scared to fall into bad habits. i want to meet someone naturally, but idk how or where, + my parents never let me go out lol. I've lost my touch at making friends quickly, and after my bad habits maybe its for the better. The irls i have now rarely message me back and it is so difficult to make plans, plus we don't have a lot of common interests so I never have anyone to go with to things that excite me. My best friend from middle school and i were supposed to meet up this summer, but she rarely texts me now too so I doubt its happening. My internet friend and I get along great, but we never call and we obviously cant hang out. After spending a year in isolation, i'm finally ready to go out and see the world again but it stings I don't have anyone to do things with.
I used to be pretty crazy about being in a relationship and dating someone perfect, but I found recently i crave that in a friendship more. i don't really know what i hope to accomplish with this, guess I just wanted to share : >

Howdy all, 1 of 4 mods here with the (probably) first State of the Subreddit for /FosterThePeople.
I'd ask how everyone is doing, but I assume the general consensus is "waiting for LP4", and yeah, so am I lol.
There's a couple things we want to touch on here since realistically we have no clue on an announcement for anything, whether that be a single, EP, album 4, tour dates, etc. etc. will happen. The last thing we all want is the subreddit dying because we rely on a band and their unsaid release schedule; with that said, let's figure out what we can do in the meantime.
For starters, here's a couple ideas the mod team has come up with:

1. Bring back the "Sub Choice Awards", a People's Choice Awards-type poll where people vote for their favorite entry in a variety of different categories. Here's the link to the one made 5 years ago for reference [Link]
2. A "lookback thread", biweekly threads where you are encouraged to make posts (both separate and in the thread) about certain eras and reminisce about what made them special to you, your general thoughts, and give appreciation to certain songs you think aren't appreciated enough

Of course we'd like to hear the ideas of you all too, so please comment anything that comes to your mind!
Next up on the agenda, we've see quite a few posts and comments lamenting at the fact that there hasn't been any news and attempting to pin blame on a specific person. Granted, I know that these posts and comments are only coming from a loud minority of people, however we still must address them. First off, YES, it sucks that there has been no news regarding what the band has been up to and/or planning. We will not tolerate any posts/comments suggesting that Mark's wife, Julia, is to blame. I really shouldn't have to say this, but blaming her for the lack of news is unacceptable and completely childish behavior; the band is no longer tied to Columbia Records and therefore has no contractual obligations to release material, Pontius left not too long ago, and I'm sure Sean and Isom would still like to pursue their side-project "Peel". They're free to release stuff whenever they feel its ready. Because of the circumstances, it's likely to take a while. I am also restless for a new release, but patience is key here.
Lastly, a general reminder to join the [Discord server] if you wanna chat with plenty of other FTP fans. There's plenty that goes on in there and we're always planning more events to do!

i’m a girl that has spent her entire life surrounded by men. i usually just get along better with them and because of that, i have no girl friends. i care a lot about my social life and i strongly believe that losing all friends because of a relationship is a bad decision especially at this age when i know that everything is temporary and the odds of marrying the dudes i’m dating are very small.
my new boyfriend has very different definitions of what cheating means. we’ve discussed boundaries but we never seem to hit common ground when it comes to this. i sometimes just want to hang out with my friends, or maybe just reply to a text to keep in touch with them. everything i do is very respectful. i’ve tried to engage less in conversations with them but i feel like my social life has gone downhill for the past few months. these men that i call my friends have been in my life for over 5 years and have helped me a lot. i think it would be insanely disrespectful to ghost them and possibly come back when we break up. i hate when people do this to me.
i really don’t know what to do without making him feel bad and without giving up totally on my social life and having it be revolved around him. also, making girl friends is not an option right now for me. i really haven’t met new people in a lot of time and creating new bonds is very hard for me in general. whats your advice?

I'm a medical student who is getting a pediatrics class in the moment. Normally, they don't go in detail about child psychology but today we had a 3 hour lecture on child abuse. I didn't expect it to be this through, otherwise I wouldn't attend it.
My parents were divorced when I was 6 and both of them were narcissistic, abusive and severely traumatized from each other. They were also broke and stressed. I can somewhat understand my mother but I can only explain my dad as an ill intended, deadbeat, terrifying to be around alcoholic. As you can imagine, my childhood was horrendous. I was subjected to all kinds of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) from both of my parents.
My mom and I have had years of therapy together a long time ago, to make things right. I forgave her because she was alone, young and severely abused herself. She loved me and didn't want to lose me. She genuinely tried to work things out for years. I thought I was healed. I was wrong.
As the lecture went on today, I had terrible flashbacks. All the emergency room visits, doctors asking me questions alone in a room, how I had to lie to them so they didn't call the cps. Teachers getting worried that I had an eyebrow busted open. All the times doctors failed to examine my whole body, while there were bruises and bitemarks all over my arms and back. How my father used to let me watch porn with him when I was five, one of my older cousins sexually assaulting me through the ages of 6 to 9, my mom shaming me and beating me at the time because she thought I consented. How nothing happened to any of them, even years after the abuse ended I became clinically depressed and attempted sxicide. All went through my mind because the professor told us the exact same things to look out for as physicians.
I felt choked up, but when the professor said "People who were abused as a child may never learn love and accept themselves, therefore they might never be able to love anyone else" I almost lost it. Every day I wake up and wish I never existed, every day I feel worn out by social interactions. I feel like somethings wrong with me and I'm at fault at all times. I thought I had gotten better but I was just suppressing it. I hate that I couldn't get a happy childhood. It has scarred me forever and it's just not fair.

🌸 Delina 🌸 Unbearable. Killed my love for roses. Lasts forever on my clothes, unfortunately for me. I already made a post on here saying this smells like Rose Jam but I apologize to Lush, I actually like Rose Jam.
🌝 Meliora 🌝 Super sweet! Oddly tropical to me. I say oddly because it doesn’t actually have any tropical notes. I like it but it smells like you spent €20 on it. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing if this wasn’t €245.
💗 Oriana 💗 I think I would love this one if I could smell it. I’m just going by the notes listed for this because I can’t actually smell anything. I’ve sprayed this like 5 times and I still have no clue what this is like. I’ll try 10 next, I guess.
🍑 Cassili 🍑 The best by far! The opening is an older woman’s perfume but then it gets juvenile. Infantile even, it kind of smells like baby powder. Best of both worlds IMO but I am particularly into that creamy dry down. I might spend the money on a full-size bottle if I get a concussion in the near future 🤞
🕋 Athalia 🕋 My grandma grew up in some small village in Eastern Europe. When we’d go visit her sister’s farmer’s house, it smelled of horse manure, a fire going in the fireplace and old-school bar soap. I didn’t express that in an appealing way, but I do like that smell and this perfume. It’s rustic. It’s smoky, I get some oud but it isn’t listed anywhere so I’m being haunted by ghost notes again. That’s the dry down. The opening is more of a men’s oud, leather and smoke. TJ Maxx candle territory. But it passes fast.
🏺 Safanad 🏺 Opens as a lovely, but generic floral. Quickly turns into a syrupy sweet orange blossom. Almost smells like honey to me. Syrupy is the key word here. I might like it if it stayed there, but then it dries down powdery.
🏳️ Valaya 🏳️ Laundry. Perfume-y laundry. (For a photorealistic laundry, try Clean Fresh Laundry)
🐷 Delina La Rosée 🐷 It’s too early in my recovery from Delina for me to try this yet.
In conclusion! Strong shared DNA. All of these are sweet, perfume-y, feminine. Which makes me think their target audience isn’t someone who already owns 100+ perfumes (only god can judge me). PDM is probably aiming to offer a solid, crowd pleasing, sweet perfume for those who don’t already have one. They made Athalia if you want smoky sweet, Meliora for fruity sweet, Delina for rosy sweet, etc. Anyone that’s been collecting perfume for a while probably already has too many similar stuff to find anything of interest here.

For context I'm 16 (FTM, no hormonal therapy), and i was diagnosed in 2015. Ive been taking Concerta since then and my dose is decently high because it keeps not working; i also take a quick release in the afternoon. I also have arthritis and a weird leg thing where on "off days" (that what i call them) they act up and i can barely walk, they get Shakey and give out. They were gonna do a brain scan for seizures in my legs but my dad refused.
Basically, and I hope y'all understand my ADHD ass phrasing, but today is like a bad ADHD day. I literally paced my classroom for 30 minutes and had to move every part of my body and even then i felt like I wasn't moving enough. I feel jittery, on edge, antsy and like everything is overwhelming/overstimulating but I also feel like I'm not stimulated enough which is just great (sarcasm).
I feel like explaining it doesn't do it justice but I'm so frazzled and just, wAHH rn that trying to put things into words is harder than shit.
I have moments where when I get overwhelmed I go non-verbal and I don't like being by people, being touched, or sounds. I usually sit on the couch at home, put my headsets on and watch videos when that happens but I'm in school; and at this point I'd prefer that then this.
I'm frazzled, and I don't know what's happening because my legs are acting up, this is all happening and I feel like crying because I don't know what to do.
Anything helps, sorry for bad formatting i never really post on Reddit and I'm on mobile

My partner has avoidant attachment type. we have had severe DB issues in the past where he withdrew sexually and physically in all ways for 2 consecutive years...then did it again for another year. Then in the following years he did start to work on things. He is self-aware and in therapy and we've actually made great progress while he has been in therapy--but great progress for an avoidant is just simple things like being able to give a compliment or receive one, being able to cuddle sometimes, being able to say how they feel and express feelings sometimes with their partner without totally shutting down due to overwhelm.
Something I've been trying to work on in my relationship with myself is setting boundaries...the thing is it's very difficult for me to set boundaries with my partner because quite ironically, the reason he has a default setting to push me away is because he has a deep subconscious fear of rejection. So when his behavior become toxic (like when he is randomly rude to me--he does this a lot less now but it still happens), I have trouble knowing how to set the boundary that it is not okay to do that. If I actually tell him it's not okay to do that then it triggers something deep inside him (a feeling of being criticized and rejected because he will take it as me telling him he is "bad") and he will withdraw completely from me for days. Of course I don't want that to happen but at the same time, my default reaction is just to let it go when he treats me rudely or glaringly unkindly...and the trouble with that is, even though letting it go makes him feel "safe" because I haven't rejected him for having an emotion (which is scary for him to express in the first place), I am not respecting myself when I literally just let things slide all the time.
Has anyone else with an avoidant partner found a good way to deal with boundary-setting that does not trigger a withdrawal response or silent treatment from their partner? I want for my relationship to continue being a healing space for both of us and my partner truly is slowly coming out of his shell more and more and I am working on myself too, but I also don't want to just keep sweeping it under the rug every time he treats me poorly whenever he is having anxiety or feeling overwhelmed...I know that doing so is a disservice to me and is also not helping him to be able to find a different way to communicate with me when he is feeling emotionally freaked out.
(For context, the other day my partner and I had a great day together--we often make each other laugh and we are flirty and playful with each other on the regular nowadays even though physical touch is usually brief and sex is still not easy for him due to the intimacy aspect...but yeah, in the evening I told my partner that our daughter told me she had a great time playing with him earlier that night and then I said "You are such a great father!" (and he really is--he doesn't let his issues affect how he bonds with the kids because he doesn't want them to grow up and have the same problems he has)--but right after I said that he said "Yeah, right" sarcastically, and then when I said "You really are", he then said "Fuck off with that stuff." He didn't yell it at me, he just spoke it calmly but it still cuts like a knife on the (nowadays thankfully rare) occasions when he comes out of nowhere at me with a very rude knee-jerk reaction...I get that receiving compliments is still hard for him but it is one of his love languages and he knows he needs them and does not need to be so rude when he gets triggered by one. I just made a funny comment about something on tv right afterward to lighten the mood and he went back to being warm and friendly with me. He should have apologized to me though for saying that or tried harder not to do say "fuck off" when I touched a nerve by showing him some love. What do you guys think might be the best way to address a boundary being crossed by an avoidant that will get the point across and still won't send them into flight mode/major withdrawal mode? Any ideas?

Hi everyone! I wanted to share my experience with a recent interview follow up I received from a recruiter to collect some thoughts.
Short background: I had my second interview for a mid-senior analyst position with a company that really interests me. I feel like the interview went well overall but it’s never easy to know for sure. I sent a follow up email to thank them for the time as a courtesy and continued on about my life hoping to hear back “in the next two weeks” as mentioned in the second interview.
So today I got an email from the recruiter that I’m not sure how to digest. The email states that essentially the company is undergoing some organizational changes that will affect the position that I have been interviewed for and that “I’m not ‘out’ of the candidate pool for the role”. The email also mentioned that hiring for the position has been put on hold for now but that I would hear back in a few weeks.
I’m not sure what to expect as far as hearing back but I think for the most part that this is a genuine response. I am continuing to apply to other positions elsewhere and will keep in touch with this recruiter about any offers that come my way (as requested by the recruiter). What’s the general consensus on this email? I really want this job but it’s hard to tell where this leaves me as a candidate.